The Star Wars Idiot Collection
by Kelso1
Summary: Are you getting tired of those fics that make no sense and barely any connection with Star Wars? I know i am, and i am putting this story out to say one big Shut up!
1. Story 1 Luke and the sand people (no off...

Disclaimer: i do not own any star wars character, all of these familiar characters (and thats all you'll probably find in my star wars stories) belong to Mr.George Lucas, he is the one in charge of killing the world's greatest story. Im just a wannabe. REally.   
  
Author's note: This is making fun of the person who knows nothing about star wars writing a fic. I actually know alot about the series and get really irritated when someone who knows nothing about it tries to write a story about it. This is for you other folk who are also pissed. Thank you.(in other words, this is not how i write, unless the mood strikes me to write like so, such as my story about me and boba fett going to olive garden)  
  
  
  
  
The Star WArs idiot Collection   
by mr.poop  
  
  
  
Intro to story 1: this one just portrays an idiot who doesnt know when in hell this is going on and doesnt really know the boundaries of a jedi knight. Its probably an 11 year old, due to the poor skills with language. He/she does not know the deep meaning of Star Wars and will never bother to try to find out.  
  
Story 1   
Luke and the Sand People   
  
  
One day Luke was on Tattoine walking around. He decided to go shoot some sand people becuz he likes doing things like that. Suddenly, he was attacked! In all irony, by sand people!   
  
BAM!  
  
SWOOSH!  
  
FLASH!  
  
"Whoo. What a mob of them! aye, R2?"  
"beep beep beep"  
"Hahaha. Your so funny R2."  
  
While the Sand people was dying and the odd pair was laughing, A strange figure appeared out of no where.   
  
"Luke, Luke. Its me. Obi Wan."  
  
"Ben! Great to see ya buddy. So hows every little thing?"  
  
"Luke, ive recieved word that the emporer is still alive. You have to go and kill him yourself this time*, since your father is no longer with us."  
  
"Why cant he just be all spirity and stuff too?"  
"He just cant luke."  
  
"alright"  
  
"I really think its kind of rediculous that he would actually be alive."   
  
"well he is. But we cant stand around and talk about it when there is work to be done about it."  
  
"yeah thats true"  
  
"Yes it is. The emporer is on the small planet alderan, and is very weak since his fall. You must go to alderan and destroy him right away"  
  
"beep beep beep"  
  
"Yeah thats true R2! Ben, i thought alderann was destroyed by the death star!"  
  
"So it was luke...so it was."  
  
Luke goes off and meets hans and has absolutely no idea where he could be. Suddenly luke has a grand idea, An absolute grand idea that he could use the.....FORCE to try and find him.  
  
"Hans ill use the force to find him. I cant sense him anywhere."  
  
Leia pops in out of nowhere and says,"how can you not sense him? Hes right on Naboo you idiots. Lets go!"  
  
Hans stops her in her tracks and says," i dont think you should go. Its a little dangerous dont ya think?"  
  
"I can beat him just as easily as you can. Which is hard. I think this is lukes battle."  
  
"Who me? Well i guess it is. I suppose i got to go. "  
  
"Luke, you are amazing, i know you can do it!"  
  
"yeah ill try."  
  
They all smile and have an uncomfortable moment of silence before han jumps out and says,  
  
"may the force be with you"  
  
Luke smiled and got into his spaceship. he turned on the the start button and lifted off.  
His spaceship was so fast, he automattically turned to hyperdrive.When he finally reached naboo, he walked into the old palace, where unknown to him, his mother gave birth to him there.   
  
"Wow this is all too familiar." said luke.  
  
"isnt it though young skywalker." said the emporer.   
  
"Emporer! How did you survive?"  
  
"Its quite simple really. There is so much hate and fear in humanity today. I could live off of it for years. hahhahahah."  
  
"You arent alive. You cant be!"  
  
"You cannot be afraid of me. I am now just a simple *cough* struggling old man. And i dont think i can live too long fom now."  
  
"but you just said you could live for years off of humanity's fear and hate?"  
  
"so i did luke...so i did..."  
  
The emporor died and was never heard from again. Luke was awarded metals for a battle he did not fight, and he was once again, a galactic hero.  
  
The end   
................how gay  
  
*There is no way in hell the emporer could be alive because Vader killing him was the way he redeemed himself. The only way vader could have been redeemed was to kill his "master". So really this whole story was based on a stupid stupid idea. Thats why i wrote it. To make fun of stupid people who try to write.   
  
coming soon....  
Story 2  
Padme and Obi Wan: the secret love  
hey do you have an overused story plot that really pisses you off and you would like me to make fun of them in an attempt to drive their existense out? EMAIL ME!!! I NEEDS BRAIN HELP :starbubbles61@hotmail.com or put it on the review thing 


	2. Story 2 I love you because....... its a ...

Disclaimer: i do not own any star wars character, all of these familiar characters (and thats all you'll probably find in my star wars stories) belong to Mr.George Lucas, he is the one in charge of killing the world's greatest story. Im just a wannabe. REally.   
  
Author's note: This is making fun of the person who knows nothing about star wars writing a fic. I actually know alot about the series and get really irritated when someone who knows nothing about it tries to write a story about it. This is for you other folk who are also pissed. Thank you.(in other words, this is not how i write, unless the mood strikes me to write like so, such as my story about me and boba fett going to olive garden)   
tell me what you thought or dont email me at: starbubbles61@hotmail.com  
  
Authors note:this story was hard to write, becuase i find obi wan really really hot. im just a tween girl, and i get obbsessed with hot guys easily. I forgot the name of the actor who plays obi wan,(its on the tip of my tongue) but when he doesnt have to play a 40 year old guy hes SEXXY!!! woah. *whew* it was hard for me to write the kissing crap, because i get jealous easily. Thats why i hate all of the stories about Characters i love meeting other people. *ahem* boba fett *ahem* I dont care about hayden christensen though. I know someone who looks just like him that doesnt do weed (that i know of) so you can keep anni girls. :D  
  
  
The Star WArs idiot Collection   
Story 2   
"I love you because...um..its a predictable cliche?"  
or  
Two Secrets  
  
  
Padme leaned on the ledge in her Nibian Retreat. It wasnt safe here, she knew; but she had jedi and a whole army protecting her. Not to mention her love, Anakin Skywalker. He'd been so stressed lately. Leaving the Jedi to be with her, but they knew that love meant sacrifices, and if they wanted to live in peace; they'd have to just not be involved in politics or wars. Things were only getting worse the agreed, but even the simple farmers are effected by the Wars. Padme sighed. "What am i going to do with my life now?" she thought. "My urge to help the galaxy will only grow more with time, but no one can be a senator and a mother. It is far too much responsiblity." She loved Anakin so much, but lately, he'd been a little scary. He had sudden outburst of anger and aggression, for no reason whatsoever, and lashed out at her sometimes. She wondered, if he would be a comfort or danger to her life. This troubled her more than the other petty details.   
  
"Senator Padme," a voice spoke behind her. "Yes?" she answered. "You need to leave this place. Something is terribly wrong with your husband." Padme's face went to complete terror.Her first thought was death, since he was out in the Clone Wars, intense and bloody, but he was so good, how could he die? Padme was nearly in tears,"Is he dead?" She turned around and looked at the soldier. "No. Hes been tempted by the..the sith. The jedi are severely concerned, and they...and you..could be in absolute danger with him." Padme was horrified. This was worse than death.He was betraying her. "I...I need to get help with this. Is there going to be an escort?" "Yes ma'm. THe usual guards, and a jedi by the name of Obi Wan Kenobi. Do you know him?" she was slightly relieved at the company of a friend. "Yes. We're old friends. Now we must go. Anakin isnt a danger to me, but he is to the people, if the news is true." Wiping a tear from her eye, she ran out to her spacecraft.   
  
  
They were all packed and ready and padme sat inside and stared out at her dear home. She reflected on all of the promises Anakin had made to her there, and how all of them would be broken if he joined the sith. He wouldnt betray his friends, mentors,and now.....family....would he?   
  
She now realized how little she knew anakin. It scared her deeply. Her worried thoughts were interrupted by a familiar jedi's voice. "Senator Padme," She smiled at the sound. "Obi Wan. its good to see you again." Obi Wan nodded."Same to you Senator Padme, i know that this is all hard for you to handle, and i myself am awfully discouraged at the situation. He is my apprentice, and i am fully responsible with his behavior." Obi wan looked tired and discouraged. Much different than his usual look of wisdom and security.   
  
  
Padme looked at him with compassion and sympathy. She couldnt stand how much pain her husband had caused. "Excuse me Obi Wan." She went into another room to cry.   
  
  
3 days later (up in space)   
  
"Do you know where exactly Anakin is?" Obi Wan shook his head. "Im not completely sure, but i suggest we stay as far away from Camino as possible. Thats where we think he is. But who knows. The dark side is consuming everything. Its hard to sense anything these days." He sighed in grief. Padme looked confused. "Cant Yoda help us? There are still the remaining jedi in the council arent there?" Obi WAn looked down. He couldnt tell her. Most of the council had either died or been revealed as a traitor. You could barely trust anyone. Yoda was fighting one of the major threats on a swamp planet, and the location was the only thing in his knowledge. It was a very discouraging situation.   
"Just be careful Padme." He got up and walked to his room.  
  
  
Unknown to all of them, there was a craft following them not far from behind, was the very person they were avoid. Anakin. He wouldnt let his wife out of his sight, even after joining the sith. No. She was still his.  
  
"Well it looks as though this planets a good one. We'll be safe here until we can find something better." Padme smiled. "It will be fine. I dont like the idea of hiding while so many suffer. I should be doing the same. Im no longer a senator, or a queen. And i would rather suffer with my people than hide like this." The soldier shrugged. "Im sorry miss. But it is in Palpatines best interest that we keep you safe." Padme nodded and looked down. She sighed she got up and looked at the deserted planet.   
  
"This planet might be too obvious of a hiding place. Its known for being so desolate." She was tempted to go back inside, until she saw a volcano. "Volcano? Ive never heard of this planet having one." Obi Wan laughed. "This planet is very mysterious indeed." She smiled at him. She always thought he was handsome and wise, but ive never actually felt this way about him. She blushed at the thought. "No," she thought. "Im married now, i cant be having young flirtatious ideas." She dismissed her feelings and told obi wan that she was going to take a walk. "Do you want to go?" He nodded and walked with her. They talked of things such as polotics (and other things i have no idea about since i dont know every detail thats going on with Episode 3) They stopped at the foot of the volcano and looked up at it.  
  
"Its so beautiful," Obi wan looked down."Not as beautiful as you are." *cough!! cheesy line!! alot like the chemistry in episode 2 though!! im not taking this seriously enough*  
Padme looked at him."I've always been able to control my feelings with love," Obi Wan continued." and i dont know why i love you, for sure. Maybe its becuase its so expected and predictible. I dont know. All im sure of is, i need to dissmiss these feelings soon. Before i betray my ideas, my future, and my best friend." Padme looked at him deeper. "I dont know if my marriage will even work if hes betrayed us like this," She cried."I do love you too, but," She wiped a tear from her eye."I love the old anakin."  
  
Then they kissed. *im not too great at detail forekiss, so just screw it*   
  
"What the hell are you doing?" They stared up in horror. Anakin. He pulled out his lightsaber and struck at obi wan. It missed him by a thread. They went on, while Padme ran back into the ship. Anakin was terribly depressed. "How could you do something like this?" how?" He was crying as he was trying to stab his teacher in the heart. "Anakin, you betrayed her," Anakin shook his head. "No. I dont think so." He flipped over obi wan and tried to push him into the firey inferno of the volcano. It backfired. Obi wan turned around, and just as anakin was about to slice his opponent, the volcano shook, and he fell in.   
  
  
thus Vader was born.  
  
  
The end .....?  
  
Ill admit the ending sucked really bad. But i was really tired of writing this story. I hate these so much, but thats how i think episode 3 will kind of go, except for the Obi wan/padme thing. THat really sucks. I kinda got a little too into the quality of this one, so its not really a "idiot story" OH well. Its my fic i can make it as good/bad as i want. This one wasnt as funny as i liked them to be, but wgaf?  
  
Next ficcy: Boba Fett meets a Mysterious woman  
next fic comment: obviously the only woman in boba fett's life is me. Duh. This is all wrong. I did already start this one, and it kinda sucks becuz the woman was me. So im gonna redo it again. 


	3. Boba Fett In love with someone besides k...

Disclaimer: i do not own any star wars character, all of these familiar characters (and thats all you'll probably find in my star wars stories) belong to Mr.George Lucas, he is the one in charge of killing the world's greatest story. Im just a wannabe. REally.   
  
Author's note: This is making fun of the person who knows nothing about star wars writing a fic. I actually know alot about the series and get really irritated when someone who knows nothing about it tries to write a story about it. This is for you other folk who are also pissed. Thank you.(in other words, this is not how i write, unless the mood strikes me to write like so, such as my story about me and boba fett going to olive garden)   
tell me what you thought or dont email me at: starbubbles61@hotmail.com  
  
Boba fett only loves me. That is why this story sucks. Its only obvious he loves me only. I might end up popping in this story and shooting some people to death for looking at him flirtaciously, (dont think i didnt see those little looks Vader gave him on E.S.B.) to make myself satisfied, i called the girl kelcu, (kel-soo) which is my Star Wars name (email me to ask how to find out yours if you dont know how)  
  
  
Story 3   
Boba Fett in love with someone Besides Kelsey *gasp*  
(this ones REALLY bad specifically becuz im pissed at the idea Nutshell story)  
  
BOOOOM!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Aloud noise disturbs the booming party.  
  
"What the hell was that? We are normal people who are cowards and worthless so no one wants to kill us even thought we are always killed."  
  
A girl runs from the party. "I know that wasnt an everyday explosion because i was there. It must be boba fett because there is no way in hell that it could be one of the other hundreds of bounty hunters out there."  
  
"HAHAH i am boba fett and i will get the bounty from you and waste my time getting  
this money since ill never be able to spend it because im too busy keeping myself a secret. HAHAHAHA!! I better speed up my jet pack."  
  
"Im going to run and explain what i did at the same time I gambled on 5 pod races and lost im probably going to be a slave if that ugly perv jaba doesnt make me show my boobies on a classic movie hahaha i just happen to be powerful with the force and beautiful how is that hahahah!!"  
  
*SPEW SPEW*  
  
"Ouch im not bleeding but ouch." *falls stunned.*  
  
  
ZOOOOOOOOOOOM Boba fett flies along time in his super jet back.  
  
"Im going to take a nap now even though i havent shot my bounty again to make sure she doesnt wake up but thats ok. Ill just put my blaster right next to me so that it is as visible as possilble. Hahahah.ZZZZ"   
The woman wakes up.  
"Ouch i was hurt and i got thrown from someone 20 feet in the air but now it doesnt hurt me because i was unconcious at the time. Hahahah. Wow who is that? That is boba fett he is very strong i have to shoot him with that blaster thats right in front of his face. I better not make any noise so he wont wake up and kill me."  
She grabbed the gun and boba fett wakes up.  
"What the hell is that? Oh its my bounty. I knew you would wake up but i didnt do anything about it. Hey you saw me without my helmet on im gonna have to kill you too bad im already too in love with you to actually shoot you. I guess I have to leave you because I dont want you to go to jabba even though your bounty is alot.  
  
"Wow you love me? I love you too even though alot of women would probably use you just to get out of being one of jabbas whores im not like that because i actually love you after 4 minutes too isnt that funny. Dont worry i wont tell anyone about who you are even though everyone important knows about your childhood and knows who you really are i still wont tell anybody. "  
  
"I love you girl who i dont know what your name is."  
"I love you too boba fett."  
  
"Lets get married!"  
"Yeah we can have no children because you'll die in the surlac pit and i dont exist!"  
"Cool"  
  
Da  
Da   
Dadada  
da   
da  
dadada  
da  
The end  
(?)  
  
I told you it was a nutshell story. I got this from an invader zim download. You have to hear a Zim nutshell story to get how funny they really are, but i was ticked off at the idea of this, and wanted to make it as terrible as possible.   
  
Next story: Chewie kills everyone 


	4. Chewie Kills Everyone!!!!!!

Disclaimer: I dont own Star Wars. yadadyada. Who actually believes we own these things? If we did, wouldnt we be actually trying to put it in a movie or book? Who made up the disclaimer?   
  
Thank you for the encouraging Reviews from people, im getting alot of turds from my lizzie mcquire story about my expressions on things. Special thanks to padfoot963 for telling me about the emporer. I havent read all the books, and i dont know everything . Sorry about that. But the emporer wasnt a clone or anything, so it was still a dumb story anyway. No these wont change the bad fics, but who cares? I like writing crappy fics!  
  
  
Story 4   
Chewie Kills Everyone  
(basically)  
  
Han and Chewie were on the millineum falcon flying freely through the air.   
"ARR"  
"Yeah Chewie I know this planet is really crappy."  
"ARR"  
"Dont worry about your hair Chewie.   
leia comes in from the cockpit. "Hey guys are why are we going to a crappy planet?"  
"ARRR"  
"Chewie shut up. Well this planet has a bunch of gold, and alot of other stuff thats worth alot of money. "  
Leia nodded."I think we really need alot of money right now, since im a princess and everything. Yeah lets go Chewie."  
  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"  
"Chewie come on,"  
  
Chewie was getting a little ticked off about never getting listened to. He was ignored in the Rebel Wars, and was always assumed as a big hairy thing with no brane. He was sick of it.   
  
"Hey Chewie can you go get a wrench for me there?"  
  
That was the last straw.   
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"  
Chewie Grabbed Leia and threw her on the chair. She exploded.  
  
"Chewie," han cried "you blew up my girlfriend"  
"ARRRRRRR"  
Chewie slammed the controlers and since the millenium falcon is a piece of crap it fell on that moon with Ewoks.   
"CHEWWWWWWWWWWIIIIIEEEEE!!!!!!!"  
They crashed like it was a nuclear explosion.   
They both lived though. Chewie saw han through the smoke as he ran away.  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR"  
Chewie got up and ran around chasing him.   
"Chewie your nuts!"  
"AARRRRRR"  
  
"weeepa wweeepa wooog." an ewok came down from a tree and hit chewie in the face. Han ran off while Chewie ate the Ewok.   
  
"ARRRRRRRRR!!!!!"  
Chewie began shooting alot of mysterious people and Ate like 30 Ewoks.  
  
"Chewie!" Luke said out of nowhere. "Come on your cooler than this to kill people reckles-"  
Chewie slayed his head off.   
  
Meanwhile han was hiding from the emotionally disturbed Wookie.   
"ARRRRRR!!"  
  
Suddenly Lando came up to him. "Chewie calm down!" He started shooting at him.  
"ARRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!" He killed everybody shooting at him.  
  
As Han saw his best friend beat his good friend to a bloody pulp, he began shouting," Chewie stop! Please! WE love you!!!!"  
  
He stopped. "Ar?"  
"Chewie youve been my best friend through everything. Im sorry if i underestimated you. Forgive humanity, please?"  
"ARar."  
"Good."  
  
The hopped back into the millenium Falcon and flew to the Planet of Crap that supposedly has a treasure.  
  
The end  
  
Story 5:   
Yoda's mysterious past   
(harhharhahrarlkjrfasdf) 


End file.
